my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
