Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
