His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
