Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
