mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
