Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
