it wasn't lemon gatorade
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
