Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
