im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
