life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Randomize
