New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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