i think my tv is drunk
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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