Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
