remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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