He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
