My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
