she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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