she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
