There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
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Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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