it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
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The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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