Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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