So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
