I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
