How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
