i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
