my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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