Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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