Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
