i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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