Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
