My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
