My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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