he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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