I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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