We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I didn't notice because vodka
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
