She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
