i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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