U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
