my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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