someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
