Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
