God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
