Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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