I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
