No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
