I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
