My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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