I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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