Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
