Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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