dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
