I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
