Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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