but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
