So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
